Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.
PROVERBS 3:7
During our service a couple weeks ago my Pastor asked if anyone had a prayer request. Everyone fell silent. I don’t know if it’s because we’re online that makes it feel awkward but – silence. So I take a deep breath and ask for prayer for wisdom. Well, you’d have thought I’d asked for something trivial. I heard someone mumble ‘look in Proverbs’ and another whispered ‘Yes!’ in agreement. Even my Pastor said ‘Yes, we can pray but you should reference wisdom in the bible and speak it into yourself.’
Hmmm.
It’s been a difficult time at home to say the least. I asked John to leave as I had had enough. He was still in contact with exes whom he’d told me he was no longer in contact with. I couldn’t believe it – after everything that has happened and after everything that has been said. He apologised, said it was innocent – said it would not happen again. That’s what he said before! Many, many times. So I didn’t speak to God about it – frankly, I didn’t want to hear that I needed to fight for this relationship. I just told him it was enough and I am done.
Since then, there has been a weight holding me down – a blockage in my connection with God (of course!). So I asked for wisdom – I asked the church to pray for God to give me His wisdom so that I always walk in His will and not my own.
This week, John told me he was going to do a day of fasting and prayer. He has never completed a full day before and I was sceptical. He did manage to stick to it and was taking regular time out during the day to pray. The following day he told me he felt God was directing him to fight for us. In my head I’m saying ‘of course He did’ because John was never going to come back to me saying he needed to walk away (you’ll have to forgive my scepticism but as I said, not the first time I’ve heard statements to this affect). I didn’t give him a final decision that evening – even though I felt I already had a couple of weeks ago.
Anger and resentment began to take over because I had given them space to. It effected the mood of everyone but I couldn’t shift it. I told God how fed up I was – He had given me the word to try again with John so why hadn’t things gotten better? Thank God He is faithful and kind and patient. I talked and talked at Him but I wasn’t willing to listen.
A mutual friend of John and I happened to call John the day of his fast so he was filled in on all that’s been happening. This friend did not and has not reached out to me which pains me. I reached out to another friend who didn’t reply for several days and even then it was a ‘stay strong’ kind of message. I don’t know what I wanted to hear but it was more than that.
In hindsight I think God allowed it to go that way so I would seek Him and his wisdom (there’s that word again) above all else. And that’s just what I did today. I laid it down again to God. I asked Him to remove the resentment and hurt. I reminded Him that He told me He would strengthen me and help me so I did not need to be dismayed. He told me that when I go through the waters they will not overflow me and the fire will not burn me. I reminded the LORD that He is my Rock and my Fortress – He is my God and I trust in Him alone.
Getting up off my knees I felt my burden had been lifted and I give God all the praise.
I still do not know what will happen with John but I know God will tell me because now I am listening.
And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left.
ISAIAH 30:21
Pray for me as I continue to pray for you.
Love and blessings
Ana x
Steadfast Love 