I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
PSALM 27:13
Well, that’s a well needed word for this first day of the New Year (I’m late in posting this…!)! Happy New Year to you – I pray God’s blessing over your life.
I was having a moment this morning but let me go back to last night to fully explain…
Having our service for the New Year via Zoom was nice – it’s good to have fellowship even if we are not physically able to meet because of the restrictions. John joined me and the children on the call and sat miserably throughout. He has never been a big fan of my church and this was evident yesterday. I eventually turned the camera off, embarrassed that everyone could see him.
We read the Word, prayed together and sang – none of which changed John’s demeanour. When we eventually closed and the children were in bed, I went to get into bed and saw John already there – covers pulled up to his head, back turned to me and as far on his side as he could without falling off the bed…
I asked what was wrong and he gave the standard ‘nothing’ answer. I shrugged my shoulders and got into bed. He didn’t say ‘goodnight’ and I had no clue why he would be annoyed with me.
This morning, he was still in a mood. I carried on as normal and eventually went over to him and said I didn’t know what it was I had done but I didn’t want to start the new year this way, so I was apologising. He said he wasn’t being off with me – I said his actions speak differently and left it at that.
A little later, he came to apologise to me for being ‘off’ and as usual, I had to dig down to find out what the real issue was. He told me he didn’t enjoy the service at all (really? I never would have guessed…) and he was disappointed I had not been enthusiastic about his suggestion of sex after the service. He had said this early in the evening and me, knowing we’d be up past 1am and that I’d be tired said it wouldn’t be the best time. He then turned it to affection and said regardless of the fact that he wasn’t talking to me and had his back to me – I should have initiated some sort of affection if not sex.
Part of me feels like I could have done that and part of me feels that he’s completely unrealistic. In all of it though I need to lay it down before God and ask for wisdom.
As well as that, I’ve had a lot of sass from my thirteen-year-old this morning – well, afternoon as that’s when she finally got up… Parenting teens is tricky, especially when it feels like you’re parenting alone. Yes, John is here but I am missing the connection of praying with someone for the children. I ask the Holy Spirit to lead me and for God to parent with me, but it is hard. Am I too strict? Not strict enough? Have I laid enough of a foundation for them to develop their own relationship with God? That’s one I question a lot – especially today. It’s the attitude, the constant attachment to her phone, the lack of interest in anything that isn’t tv, smartphone or her bed.
I was feeling the weight of it – disappointed, fed-up, frustrated. I wanted to close the door and cry and pray but my son wanted me to help him build his new Lego set like I’d promised. So instead, I put on some worship music in the background and helped him build. The song ‘You Hold it All Together’ by the Upper Room has the line:
I believe that I will see the goodness of the Lord; I’m confident as seasons change, You’re faithfulness remains.
It immediately lifted my spirit. No, things will not always be plain sailing. No, my life will not be perfect. Likewise – no, I am not alone. The same God that created the heavens and the earth dwells with me. Yes, I will have to fight continually – we are in a battle. Yes, I will have to pray continually. Though I may feel disheartened at times, I will never give up because I know Who stands with me.
That is my encouragement to you this day and for the new year – when it feels like it’s all too much, like you’re about to faint – believe that you will see the goodness of the Lord for He will work all things out for your good.
Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
PSALM 27:14
Love and blessings
Ana x
Steadfast Love 