Be ye not unequally yoked with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?
2 CORINTHIANS 6:14
When John and I met I was 21 years old and had never had a boyfriend, never been kissed. I was very insecure about it – someone at school years before had told me I was boring and I’d held on to it. No one was interested in me – I was nothing special to look at, terribly shy and had nothing of interest to say – or at least that’s what I told myself. So, when John came along – 10 years older, not saved and already had a daughter, I only saw that someone was finally interested in me. We have both done a lot of things wrong over the 15 years that we’ve been married plus the 4 years of dating – but I’ve come back to this thought occasionally (well, more than occasionally): what if I had never entertained the relationship in the first place?
Psalm 139:14 says: ‘I will praise thee: for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.’
It is so important to know who we are in Christ. Of course, hindsight is a wonderful thing but if you know who you are in your singleness then you have time to work out what you want in your relationship and what is acceptable or not.
John told me he loved me after a few weeks of getting to know each other and alarm bells were going crazy in my head. I knew it wasn’t true and he admitted as such years later – but I had never had that much attention before and I ignored the alarm. I had spoken to John about Christ – I so wanted to believe he wanted to be on the same page as me. I was away when he got saved but I didn’t trust his decision was genuine – less so when I saw his habits didn’t change over time. I did eventually call time on the relationship as John wanted to have sex and I was adamant that I was waiting until I got married. It was tiring having the same argument over and over and the more time I spent with him alone, the more I was likely to end up breaking the promise I’d made to myself and the Lord. Walking away was so hard but it felt necessary.
We got back together some months later after John shared a testimony of a life changing moment on a men’s retreat. I was elated for him and for us – I no longer had to feel worthless and depressed at once again being the girl that no one was interested in. I knew then that I would marry him.
It’s been said ‘if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything’ and I am an example of that. Know who you are! The God that made the universe thinks about you and me:
How precious also are Thy thoughts unto me, O God! How great is the sum of them!
PSALM 139:17
The Lord has a plan for your life and the enemy will do all he can to stop you from fulfilling that plan. If he can get you thinking ‘I’m not good enough; God can’t use me; I’m not special’ – then you’ve taken your eyes off of the King and are focused on yourself – I’ve been there! But if God can use Esther to turn the heart of a king to save Israel, He can use you. If God could use Rahab to hide the Israelite spies and then in the lineage of Jesus, He can use you. God even used a donkey to prevent Balaam from making a mistake! God can use whomever He pleases – the point is being in a place of surrendering all to Him.
John showed me who he was prior to getting married – he point blank refused to drop me home more than once when we were dating even though it was late. On one occasion he lied and said the car wasn’t working, only to have someone call whilst I was there whom he offered to go and pick up. There were many occasions of mistrust, selfishness, unexplained and unnecessary anger but I brushed it all aside in favour of being with someone. Not realising that the Someone I needed was right there all along.
Now, I’m not saying John and I would never have got married – God alone knows. I do know that if I had seen myself as God sees me – with value – I would not have accepted certain things and would have saved myself a whole lot of heartache.
I thank God that His steadfast love never ceases; His mercies never end. They are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). In His mercy, God allowed me to walk this road – through all the pain and tears – because what I have to say needs to be heard by someone.
Know that you are not alone.
Know that God is reaching out to you, waiting for you to call out to Him.
Know that He has the power to heal your relationship – whatever stage or state it may be in right now.
You are a virtuous woman and your worth is far above rubies (Proverbs 31:10) – you just have to believe it.
Love always
Ana x
Steadfast Love 