This is not my first venture into blogging. I first began blogging about work and how much I disliked it… The next blog was writing about what I know – being a mum. Lastly, I ended up writing about my marriage – the hurt, the pain, eventual separation and now – well, I don’t really know what’s happening now but it has led me here, to this – Steadfast Love.
I grew up in church, I warmed and waned in my spiritual life a lot. There were silent years when a major incident occurred in my family and I felt God should have intervened. He did, but I just couldn’t see it at the time because it wasn’t the way I wanted Him to. So, I got upset and stopped talking to Him. Throughout this time, I still went to church and pretended all was fine, but my marriage was essentially over and I began an emotional affair. I can call it that now as I see it for what it was. At the time I told myself we were just talking so it wasn’t a problem and my husband was too busy texting/sexting other women to notice I was distracted. There was never any expression of feelings – it was just someone taking the time to listen to me, be interested in me when I felt uninteresting. But I felt guilty all the same and after a few months I came to my senses and cut off contact.
I struggled with work, marriage, being a mum – I felt alone but I thank God that His mercies never end and He has faithfully held on to me through it all. The lockdown allowed me to refocus and sit at the feet of Jesus. I am reading the Word more, listening to God’s direction and wanting desperately to walk in His will – always.
It was that thought that led me here. As I said, my latest blog has been about my marriage but I got to a point where I kept asking myself ‘is this bringing God glory?’ and the answer was ‘no.’ I had written it with the best intention – wanting to help someone recognise the red flags of an unhealthy relationship, but as I get closer to God I couldn’t see how I was helping without pointing others to the Source of my strength. So, I laid it down before the Lord. I have always wanted to write, dreaming of being a best-selling author. Now I just want God to use me and use the gift He gave me to help someone and to draw others closer to Him. After I prayed about it, I waited on the Lord and the words ‘steadfast love’ dropped into my spirit. I know the words of the song: ‘The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end.’ I didn’t realise this is also the English Standard Version of Lamentations ch.3:22 as I’m a King James girl but I found it after an internet search. The verse is timely and relevant – I can write about my marriage and separation and the messy, awkwardness of possible reconciliation (God knows) – I can write about anything because it is the steadfast love of God that has carried me, kept me and keeps on blessing me. In everything I do, I aim to point it all back to Him – the Lord God almighty.
The last couple of years have been the most difficult for sure – but they are the years when I grew the most, when I surrendered all to God and began to see myself as He does. I am a daughter of the King.
So, I write – not for my own gain but for the glory of God. I pray that as you read, you are encouraged – you are not alone in your darkest moments and if you will surrender all to Him, I cannot promise your relationship will suddenly be ‘fixed’ – maybe it will get better; maybe it won’t – I don’t know. I can promise that God will bless you as you surrender your will to Him and in ways that you wouldn’t expect or imagine.
Thank you for joining me on this journey. May you always know the faithfulness of God.
Ana x
Steadfast Love 