Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yes, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
ISAIAH 41:10
Do you ever have trouble trusting God? I do. Well, actually that’s not quite accurate. I don’t think trust is the issue – it’s more silencing the doubt that I have a problem with. Because I know that God works all things out for my good (Romans 8:28). I know He holds my future and I know He has come through for me many, many times before. Yet, sometimes, I let doubt speak and worse – I listen to it.
Some months ago, God gave me a word about my marriage. It wasn’t someone else telling me what God was saying – it was a word direct from God to me. My friends and family questioned it but I know that was out of concern for me – they don’t want to see me get hurt again. They are allowed their doubt as the word wasn’t given to them – it was given to me. At the moment, it feels a lot like I’m married to an unsaved man. My husband gets up in the morning and immediately puts the tv on. Whilst working, he’s watching videos or more tv and when he finishes work – yep, more tv. The less time he spends with God is the more I pull away from him. I find it so hard to be close to him and to envision the word of restoration that God gave me. Again, God gave me the word – not him. It’s because of that why I allow the doubt to sneak in at times, questioning if I got it wrong… I have moments when I look at what is – now – and feel isolated; like I’m fighting alone. Actually, I’m on the side-lines not wanting to fight because I know John doesn’t want to either.
So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return to me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.
ISAIAH 55:11
I know God’s word will not return to Him void – so what is this that we’re in now? I can’t force my husband to commit his life to following God so am I going to live like this now? Unconnected, lonely and having to lead spiritually because he won’t?
This morning I saw a post on Instagram by @her.dope.marriage citing seven ways to put God at the centre of your marriage. Tips 3 and 4 respectively were: pray for one another and pray together. Someone commented that their husband doesn’t pray with them and the reply back was ‘it doesn’t matter who prays as long as you’re in agreement.’ Well, there was a verbal kick up the backside if ever I needed one… Much of this year, the thing that the Holy Spirit keeps bringing to mind is Peter, walking on the water and sinking the moment he took his eyes off Jesus. I’m Peter at the moment – stepping off the boat IN FAITH when no one else would – when everyone else was saying “are you sure about taking him back?” or “did God really tell you to stay?” – I trusted God. Even though the storm was still swirling around us – even though halting the decision to divorce didn’t suddenly make things better – I trusted God, I kept my eyes on Jesus and I walked on the water. And in these moments when I start to sink, I too cry out ‘JESUS!’ and He reaches down and pulls me up to safety.
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.
PROVERBS 3:5-6
It isn’t easy at all but no one said it would be. I’m going to keep trusting in what God said and I hope you will too.
Love and blessings
Ana x
Steadfast Love 