Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
2 CORINTHIANS 5:17
Let’s be clear – this isn’t a series of posts bashing my husband. I do highlight behaviour that is unacceptable – behaviour that I didn’t see as an issue because I thought there was something wrong with me. But equally, I want to highlight that deliverance is a major key to being free. We have to ask God to show us areas where we may have given the devil access to our lives, repent and cast him out.
The first time John gave me the silent treatment I didn’t understand what was happening. It wasn’t something we did at home – by ‘we’ I mean my Mum and brothers – my family. If we fell out, then we’d get annoyed and then usually we’d end up laughing about something and it was over. Even if we didn’t end up laughing, I can’t ever remember an argument going on for days – it just wouldn’t happen. So when I, newly married, could see that my husband was annoyed with me I asked what was up. He answered ‘nothing’. Again, I didn’t understand that – if I were asked what I was annoyed about then I’d say so – this was weird. I wouldn’t let it lie. I asked repeatedly until he blew up at me. He told me I was ‘lazy’ and his reasoning for this was because I hadn’t filled the dishwasher with the dirty dishes that he had stacked in the sink. We’d been married a few months, maybe six, and I had gotten fed up with being the only one to put things straight into the dishwasher when it was sat there empty. I’d decided, childishly, I guess, to not clear up after him – he was perfectly capable of doing it himself. Now I realise that wasn’t the godliest of attitudes but when you’re in your feelings you’re not thinking about pleasing God – you’re thinking about yourself.
So, I listened to him shouting at me that I was lazy and how he had to come home from work and stack the dishwasher because I couldn’t be bothered to. I listened and back then I guess I still had some fight in me because I didn’t let him get away with it. I asked him who left all the dishes in the sink in the first place? I asked him who did the hoovering, changed the bed sheets, did the washing, dried the washing, put the washing away? Who did the cooking, cleaned the kitchen, tidied the living room? He was silent. I pointed out that since we’d been married I hadn’t seen him pick up the hoover once or do any of the things that I’d mentioned so if he only had one job of stacking and emptying the dishwasher he should be thankful and shut up about it because clearly, it wasn’t me that was lazy.
He said nothing and we somehow settled into those roles of me doing everything and him doing nothing. Mainly because if I waited for him to do it, we’d be walking through knee-high deep dust on the carpet and the sheets would have changed colour and walked themselves to the washing machine.
There are so many stories – some of which I’ll share – but the thing that ties them all together is the fact that I lost myself. When I look back, I became less of that woman who would stand up for herself and more of a woman that I didn’t recognise. Someone who was scared to say anything confrontational because it would mean we wouldn’t talk for several days and ‘oh – we have that dinner to go to at the weekend – I had better keep the peace so it isn’t awkward….’ Or ‘he’d said he’d come to dinner at my Mum’s and I don’t want my family to think there is anything wrong, so I’d better not rock the boat.’
I don’t even know who that woman was but I know she was lost, lonely and not trusting that God could or would intervene if she asked.
When we are focused on self, we don’t see things in the right perspective – whether that be ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I’m amazing and don’t need anyone’ – it’s the wrong perspective. See yourself through God’s eyes and throw off the old you. When we come to Christ, the Word says we become a new creature. The old things have passed away and all things have become new – believe the Word of God! There is nothing about your past that God can’t forgive, heal, restore but it is up to us to pick up our sword (the Word of God) and let the enemy know we’re not listening to his lies anymore – he is defeated. Use the Word to remind yourself who you are:
- A chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people (1 Peter 2:9)
- You are created in righteousness and true holiness (Ephesians 4:24)
- You are the workmanship of God created in Christ for good works (Ephesians 2:10)
- You are made near to God by the blood of Jesus Christ (Ephesians 2:13)
God is able to change our situation whatever it may be but the change begins with us. I spent years – years! Doing things my own way and wondering why I wasn’t getting the results I wanted. John did things his own way too and we built walls of resentment, mistrust – neither of us saying “Lord, change me!” – instead always asking to change the other person. I was condescending when it came to our spiritual lives. I’d been in church my whole life – of course I knew more than him, of course I could direct him and tried very hard to. But it wasn’t my place to lead. For a long time I put all the blame on John – he wasn’t spiritual enough; he was selfish; he was unkind; he didn’t treat me with respect – and honestly, none of that is untrue but what about me? Romans 12:2 tells us not to be conformed to this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. I allowed myself to fall into a tit-for-tat response – he was unkind, so I was unkind. He was unhelpful so I was unhelpful. I allowed the situation to pull me further away from God and further away from who He wanted me to be. Unfortunately, it would get a lot worse before it got better.
Love and blessings
Ana x
Steadfast Love 